Church Funerals

A little while ago, it happened that a lovely woman from my community died.  Her children were decidedly against a “Church” funeral – wanting instead, a gathering of friends to tell stories and remember Mom.  They wanted it at the church, but they really didn’t want me – not because of me personally, but because they didn’t want a “Church” funeral.  I can’t say why – I don’t suspect that there was a dramatic break from church or that something “horrific” happened, I suspect that like many people of their generation, church just doesn’t speak to them and they had no wish to put up some false veneer on the celebration of their mother’s life.  I respect that.   I had no problem offering them the hospitality of our church and the use of the building... (listen to me, like it’s mine!   But they did call me... Anyway, I’m getting side-tracked... you have to stop me from doing that, it’s like that time back in grade 12 when Mr. Johnson said to me....  Sorry, I’m doing it again*)

So, to recap: Lady died. No funeral - memorial gathering; church not required, desired or squired (needed a rhyme).  The day before the gathering, they did invite me to say a prayer at the end, kind of “put a bow on it”  (their words, not mine). It was a kind gesture on their part, I suppose.  As I watched the event unfold, I became aware of a couple of things:

These people – well meaning, kind, intelligent and experienced – had no idea how we do things in the church.  I don’t mean that they were unfamiliar with our customs or dogma (I’m the one who’s unfamiliar with such things), No, these people really didn’t think that we knew how to host such a gathering.  The set it up like a corporate presentation, concerned with order of speakers and the readiness of mics and sound system.  They seemed to have no idea that we actually know how to do this... in form and presentation.  It neverr occurred to them that we might know something about pace, balance and the technical needs of a large gathering.  Which begs the questions, “What do they think that we do or know?”  They seem to have a sense that we are completely disconnected from the "real" world and have no way of connecting to them; their needs; their customs.

The other thing that struck me, was how dissatisfying the whole “gathering” was for me.  Not because it didn’t conform to my beliefs or “norms”; not because I wasn’t in charge or center stage  (well, sure, maybe a little... but I like to wear my big dress to parties!).  No, what was missing for me was sense of the eternal.   Whatever the expression of faith or faiths, I like such a gathering to begin with prayer of meditation -  or words from Holy Scripture- something to connect the deceased (presumably, Loved One) to the greater story of humanity and the Divine.   I believe in the core of my being that life is more that we see or define by a few years shared between birth and death... my religious/spiritual/faith practice is one of the ways that I find a vocabulary to speak of this feeling – but the feeling precedes my faith.   When we gather and fail to honour that connection, it feels to me like we’re simply telling stories about someone that we’ll never see again.  But when we make the connection – be it in my tradition or another; be it done smoothly and expertly or fumbled about like Kindergarten Valedictory address (I know, people actually have Kindergarten Graduation ceremonies!), we are assured  that those moments that we  shared with the deceased are part of something more; those values that he exhibited; those lessons she taught are all part of a larger connection.  In that, we’re reminded that we’re part of something more.... and we don’t feel alone.  In fact, we might even feel energized, inspired and connected. 

I don't think I'm alone in this.  I did do a prayer at the end of the memorial... about 90 seconds worth of connection... and I've rarely had so many people seek me out to tell me how much they appreciated my words.  Either, I'm that good or more likely, most of us hunger for a sense of the eternal and greater connection.  

Just sayin'.....

*That’s not a quote from Mr. Johnson, but rather my inner writer’s voice telling me to get on with it.  But I thwarted it – and managed to add a footnote!